About this Episode

Parent Driven Development

Episode 048: Darcy Lockman - All The Rage: Mothers, Fathers and The Myth of Equal Partnership

00:23 Welcome, Darcy!

Darcy Lockman is a former journalist turned clinical psychologist and the author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. Her first book, Brooklyn Zoo, chronicled the year she spent working on the psychiatric ward of a city hospital. She lives and practices (for the time being virtually) in New York City.

00:39 Orgins of All The Rage

Child care falls on Darcy more than her husband.. moms more than dads?
Why are we living like this?
The impact of patriarchy on all of us

04:25 Patriarchy instilled into our culture

Women carry 65% childcare work, while men carry 35%
The feminine is looked down in society
Communality / agency - girls raised to be more communal, boys are raised to be more agentic
Women join the workforce, but keep up with childcare duties

09:32 How to guide kids with equal partnership at home

Kids easily influenced from their outside world
Identification with the same sex parent
Gender detectives - searching for the group that they belong in
The one way glass study
Women have this idea that their male partner should not be inconvenienced, and that it’s ok if they are

16:17 Is being traditional wrong?

What good dads get away with
Stay at home mom stigma

19:05 Dual earning couples is sole focused on from All The Rage Book

After work “breaks” ?After work “breaks” ?
Unequal experience, unequal ability
Taking care of children takes practice
Paid paternity leave for men in other countries - use it or lose it

24:20 Who is responsible for the mental load?

Techniques to share the workload
Women tend to feel more responsible and may have to unlearn this feeling of taking no time off
Underbenifitor / Overbenifitor - both sides uncomfortable

29:50 The pandemic is making the invisible workload more visible

Possible progress to be made in couples

32:45 Genius / Fail moments

JC’s kids have been helping around the house since the pandemic hit, including dinner! #geniuswin
Chris grounds steak with kids to make tacos. They were a hit and ready to go, until Chris accidentally dropped a glass dish right next to the taco meat and glass got in the taco meat… Dinner restart #fail
Darcy embraces a sugar vacation during the pandemic and let’s her girls feast on junk food that is usually not allowed. #genuisfail maybe??