048: Darcy Lockman - All The Rage

July 8th, 2020 · 39 mins 50 secs

About this Episode

Parent Driven Development

Episode 048: Darcy Lockman - All The Rage: Mothers, Fathers and The Myth of Equal Partnership

00:23 Welcome, Darcy!

Darcy Lockman is a former journalist turned clinical psychologist and the author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. Her first book, Brooklyn Zoo, chronicled the year she spent working on the psychiatric ward of a city hospital. She lives and practices (for the time being virtually) in New York City.

00:39 Orgins of All The Rage

  • Child care falls on Darcy more than her husband.. moms more than dads?
  • Why are we living like this?
  • The impact of patriarchy on all of us

04:25 Patriarchy instilled into our culture

  • Women carry 65% childcare work, while men carry 35%
  • The feminine is looked down in society
  • Communality / agency - girls raised to be more communal, boys are raised to be more agentic
  • Women join the workforce, but keep up with childcare duties

09:32 How to guide kids with equal partnership at home

  • Kids easily influenced from their outside world
  • Identification with the same sex parent
  • Gender detectives - searching for the group that they belong in
  • The one way glass study
  • Women have this idea that their male partner should not be inconvenienced, and that it’s ok if they are

16:17 Is being traditional wrong?

  • What good dads get away with
  • Stay at home mom stigma

19:05 Dual earning couples is sole focused on from All The Rage Book

  • After work “breaks” ?After work “breaks” ?
  • Unequal experience, unequal ability
  • Taking care of children takes practice
  • Paid paternity leave for men in other countries - use it or lose it

24:20 Who is responsible for the mental load?

  • Techniques to share the workload
  • Women tend to feel more responsible and may have to unlearn this feeling of taking no time off
  • Underbenifitor / Overbenifitor - both sides uncomfortable

29:50 The pandemic is making the invisible workload more visible

  • Possible progress to be made in couples

32:45 Genius / Fail moments

  • JC’s kids have been helping around the house since the pandemic hit, including dinner! #geniuswin
  • Chris grounds steak with kids to make tacos. They were a hit and ready to go, until Chris accidentally dropped a glass dish right next to the taco meat and glass got in the taco meat… Dinner restart #fail
  • Darcy embraces a sugar vacation during the pandemic and let’s her girls feast on junk food that is usually not allowed. #genuisfail maybe??

Get your copy of All The Rage!

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JC Avena
Chris Sexton