Episode 063: Fear in Parenting

0:40 Fear and stress of parenting

• From independent… to having dependents
• Trends of becoming more conservative once a parent

2:50 Decision making process

• High alert, more burden than non-parents
• Different decisions and problems at different stages of the kids
• Background buzz of constant anxiety

6:40 Different stresses

• Physical dangers for smaller kids, choking hazards
• Trying to avoid helicopter parenting
• Screen interest, programming, and patience

10:55 Big anxieties

• Screen time !! Constant worry and stress for modern parents with kids
• Augmenting reality through screens - stress for middle school aged parents
• How to foster new sibling relationships

Siblings Without Rivalry - book

• How to avoid middle child syndrome with three kids, carve out alone time with each child
• Feeling guilty to tell kids to play by themselves.. But it’s also important to learn

21:35 Genius and fail moments from the last week

• KWu moves to a new house and her son is waking every night from terrors or feeling too cold as she’s been keeping the thermostat down real low. #fail
• Jess’s son is a pretty adventurous eater and recently discovered balsamic vinegar which is now a new favorite! #genius
• Chris makes biscuits and conjures a family night which turned into a great family time. #genius

How can I support the podcast?

Please follow us @parentdrivendev on Twitter or email us at panel@parentdrivendevelopment.com.

Our website is at ParentDrivenDevelopment.com.

Jess
Chris S
KWu

1:48 Welcome, DHH

David is the creator of Ruby on Rails, cofounder & CTO at Basecamp, best-selling author, Le Mans class-winning racing driver, frequent podcast guest, and family man.

2:50 Security concerns

• Social Media
• COVID times
• Parenting boundaries

13:45 Privacy

• Picture surplus
• Authenticity

16:45 Engagement with parenting on the web

• The highlight parenting reel
• Avoid the humble brag as a parent
• Internet jousts

DHH recommended books:

• The Myth of the Spoiled Child - Alfie Kohn
• Punished by Rewards - Alfie Kohn * The Self-Driven Child - Ned Johnson

26:30 Introducing privileges to his kids

• Capitalism
• Against artificial constraints placed on by parents
• A life not centered around materialism

The Road To Wigan Pier - George Orwell

38:38 Genius / Fails

• Arit makes a crib boundary with a creative new upcycle
• KWu wrestles with a photo book for her kids
• Chris fails on fail this week
• DHH is off by an hour as his kids come home right as this podcast starts
• Allison’s daughter challenges her patience during bed time

How can I support the podcast?

Please follow us @parentdrivendev on Twitter or email us at panel@parentdrivendevelopment.com.

Our website is at ParentDrivenDevelopment.com.

Allison
Chris S
Arit
KWu

Special Guest: David Heinemeier Hansson .

Sponsored By:

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Episode 010: Doing Good with Kids, Live Episode

00:50 We're LIVE from Ruby For Good

02:30 How do we make our kids do good?

School is a good place to start. There are lots of options for kids and parents to start out.
We talk about different activities at different ages, preschool to high school

03:37 Where to start when you want to have childcare at your conference

Treat it as any other vendor
Go to the conference venue and ask for recommendations
Ask for recommendations from the hotel, local user groups, etc.

5:30 Various programs are mentioned

For Girl Scout cookies you can purchase a cookie to have sent to troops overseas
Girls on the Run each session has a theme related to "good" things

6:40 For young children, focus on having the conversation

What does it mean to do good things? We talk about PJ Library and Tikkun Olam
Simple things are good like the Dawn soap that you can use to tell a story
Box Tops can be taken to school
The more exposure, the better

9:50 Bring the kids along

At this conference, bringing kids can help them see that we're doing good things. It also happens when kids see you packing up food for shelters.
The more exposure you have, the better
JC talks about how they help people move a lot. Religious institutions are also a good way to find opportunities.
Mandy talks about doing something nice for a homeless person and the conversation that resulted from that action

13:30 Helping family is also a good option

Helping family members and grandparents can be very important.
Finding places with family and extended family or neighbors to do good things for is really great.
Helping our kids be aware of opportunities to help others is key

17:00 The News

We talk about what's going on in the world and how we help our kids understand them.
Do we bring our children to rallies? or marches? What is the importance of talking about what is going on in the news and being aware of how it affects our children, the world, and others.
How do we support our children if they want to participate in walk-outs or some of the activism happening with our kids these days?

21:20 - 22:53 Trigger Warning: We talk a bit about the Parkland Shooting and gun violence related to our children

23:00 What do we do for the world for our kids?

Beyond involving our kids, we get involved in issues that affect the world our children are growing up in
Like elections, environment, infrastructure, etc.
Writing letters to the Senate can be incredibly important so that funding continues for life changing programs.

26:30 Showing kids that doing good is also bi-directional. You give and you get.

Local tech stuff, mentoring, starting a Women Who Code chapter and more

29:00 Monetary donations are also great

Sometimes you're not going to be able to do things hands-on, giving money is also important
Involve kids in where to donate
Allow children to allocate money to a charity or charity type
Birthdays are a great opportunity as well, money to charity instead of gifts

34:00 Genius / Fail moments

Allison - We sleep trained our daughter! We were going to wait but we didn't and it's worked out really well. #Genius
JC - Teenager was being a teenager and we took him off the Spotify premium family plan. #Genius
Chris - My son doesn't enunciate always and we had a Trader Joe's chicken in the freezer and we called it Emergency Chicken. One day Lars was in class and said Emergency Chicken is his favorite food. #Fail
Mandy - I've been super busy this conference season and end of the school year and I missed an email from a teacher which apparently said there were portfolio reading. My daughter was super sad and I just missed it. But I'm making up for it! #Fail

44:40 Contact Us!

Tell us if you have a question you want us to discuss on air!

Follow & Support

Please follow us @parentdrivendev on Twitter or email us at panel@parentdrivendevelopment.com. Our website is at ParentDrivenDevelopment.com
Support us via Patreon and get access to our our Slack Community.

Panel:

Mandy Moore
Allison McMillan
JC Avena
Chris Sexton

First Guest!
Heidi Waterhouse - Parent of two. Developer evangelist for LaunchDarkly. Volunteers teaching sex ed to teenagers. She likes to sew her own conference dresses and ride her bike.

1:00 Internet privacy and safety and how it is adaptable to kids of all ages.

How should kids protect themselves online, have manners, and use their time wisely. Online behavior is permanent these days, so kids should also consider using obfuscated names online. Pseudonyms are personas you can discard if necessary while keeping you safe. Online predation is possible, but you are more likely to be get gendered grief online.

8:00 Problematic relationships with Facebook

You can have a real name account, but you have to behave as if in an office all day. Kids have a harder time controlling impulses. Due to COPPA regulation, parents wanting their non teenage children to have an online account have to lie about the child’s age when signing them up. COPPA, well intentioned, but disenfranchises kids under 13 and forces parents to jump through hoops when getting their children online.

10:57 Wallet identity

Sometimes you want accolades and other positive achievements tied to your persona. Each kid is different and some will want the attention while others won’t. Some things you do in public and online forums will be public, regardless of your preference. As parents, we make decisions for our children. Everything decision we make for our children will be things they’ll have to live with. Some parents choose to not make choices for their children regarding online personas.

14:45 Less physical spaces

A book from Danah Boyd discusses how we’ve deprived teenagers from any space they can meet and hang out so the only space they have left is cyber space. Overscheduling, curfews, no hanging out at malls. Technology is making physical gatherings less common.

16:29 Cyber safety is the new Sex Ed

Schools have Google accounts for kids to use the Google suite for education. Cyber security education is the equivalent of abstinence only sex ed. 70% of parents have a password to their kids’ phones and monitor their devices.

20:35 Safe places for kids to explore online communication and not raising trolls.

Online platforms where kids can interact safely. Discord. Teach children what is appropriate, and give them the ability to identify what is right and wrong. “It’s only online, it doesn’t matter” is how you build an online troll. Everyone is a human on the other side of the screen.

24:51 Determining when your children should level up

Each kid is different and timing depends on each kid. Learnign what should be downloadable to your computer so it doesn’t break. What about your kid wanting a YouTube career? (Yes YouTube, no comments) Keeping their online circles to friend they know in person helps, while having open discussion about their online lives. Let them know they can be monitored, and privileges can be narrowed.

35:13 Genius/Fail moments

Andy - Picked up his kids from school but left his dog there. #FAIL

Allison - Continuation of last episode’s fail. Still reading fire safety book at bedtime. #FAIL

Heidi - 15YO assembled IKEA storage system by himself. #GENIUS

Chris - Kids decided to spend time roughhousing instead of online. Though he overheard from downstairs: SON: Stop! You’re going to break my arm! DAUGHTER: I don’t want to break your arm, I want to break your spirit! #GENIUS

Mandy - Going to Disney World! After a long long time of saving, it’s happening. #GENIUS

Follow & Support

Please follow us @parentdrivendev on Twitter or email us at panel@parentdrivendevelopment.com.

Support us via Patreon and get access to our our Slack Community.

Panel:

Allison McMillan
Chris Sexton
Andy Croll
Josh Puetz
Mandy Moore

Special Guest: Heidi Waterhouse.

Mandy was on “vacation” and has to make an appearance at another conference. Her daughter doesn’t want her to go and Mandy feels really bad about it. She’s been on the road a lot the past six months and is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. JC says it’s important to learn to say no and recharge by doing hobbies. Chris says it comes down to priorities.

06:12 - Playing Activity Hooky: AS A PARENT!

Mandy also feels bad because she knowingly skipped her daughter’s gymnastics practice because after returning from her trip, she didn’t feel like going, her daughter didn’t bring it up, so they didn’t go! Revelation: Other people have been known to do it too!

The panelists talk about how most of them grew up with their parent’s beliefs being drilled into them that if you sign up for a commitment, you do the commitment. Allison had the opposite upbringing when it came to that though.

16:45 - Feeling Judgement

As well as feeling bad about all of the above, Mandy has people in her life that judge her parenting style -- namely nosy neighbors. The panel talks about the differences between mothers and fathers getting judged and possibly having different licenses in the gender department when it comes to being parents.

They also discuss kids playing outside these days and that it is scary to let your child run free sometimes but come to the consensus that it’s generally necessary and healthy.

27:07 - Letting Kids Figure it Out by Themselves

The panelists talk about how it’s important for kids to learn conflict resolution instead of solving all of their problems for them. Eventually, they WILL work it out! They also agree they like to let their kids be themselves and have some independence when it comes to dressing themselves.

Genius/Fail Moments of the Week:

Allison: Her son is afraid of smoke detectors! #FAIL

Josh: Unknowingly let his daughter stay home from school for a snow day -- from the wrong school! #FAIL

Chris: Played Survive: Escape From Atlantis all day to keep his kids busy during a snow day! #GENIUS

Mandy: Signed up for the food delivery service, Plated. #GENIUS

Follow & Support

Please follow us @parentdrivendev on Twitter or email us at panel@parentdrivendevelopment.com.

Support us via Patreon and get access to our our Slack Community.

Panel:

Allison McMillan
Chris Sexton
JC Avena
Josh Puetz
Mandy Moore

Allison talks a bit about kids being curious, asking questions, and how they somehow sneakily get past some safety measures we try to put in place. The older ones blatantly just write us notes and leave the house.

04:53 - Andy Intro

Andy introduces us to parenting multiples and how he’s been “leading a small team!” We also comment on how our children always seem to plot against us.

08:17 - Sarah Intro

Sarah goes into how she’s navigating being the parent of a gymnast and how kids activities easily can consume your life. She also talks about how her little one is an empath and the panelists talk about how sad movies (i.e. Bambi) have ruined everyone forever as parents.

12:55 - Josh Intro

Josh says that his family has moved around a lot and that it can be hard on kids. He talks about his daughter’s hobbies which include cosplay and that they are entering the adolescent years terrified as two dads facing the puberty of their little girl. We are all confused as to why wearing bras is now the cool thing to do. (Before it’s necessary!) We also briefly touch on the difference between having boys and girls and gender neutrality.

22:02 - Mandy Intro

Mandy tells the story of how her daughter got the nickname “Chicken” and being a single mom. We then talk a little bit about a topic that we are going to delve into more in two weeks with our guest, Heidi Waterhouse: Internet Safety & Privacy.

26:25 - Johnny Intro

Johnny talks about some solutions he’s found to combat the Internet monitoring conundrum such as the Nvidia Shield and Mobicip.

We also talk about kids do have a conscience and are capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong. Andy mentions he is reading the book, The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt. We also weigh the pros and cons of “making” our kids watch educational content.

38:55 - KWu Intro

KWu says she is nervous about going back to work after having a baby. Allison suggests learning to enjoy little moments like finishing a cup of coffee when it was still hot. And then there’s the topic of pumping and how your brain chemistry changes after having children. The panel also touches on how having a partner can make parenting easier and Mandy talks briefly about being a single mom and using the Spoon Theory to get through the days. Except she calls them her “Fs to Give”.

49:32 - JC Intro

JC has kids of all ages (between 8 and 17) and talks about how it goes so fast. He also has a pet name for his daughter: “Monkey”. His family also loves their lives since having cut the cable cord.

56:48 - Chris Intro

Chris’ son wants to be a developer so he encourages him to play Minecraft.

Follow & Support

Please follow us @parentdrivendev on Twitter or email us at panel@parentdrivendevelopment.com.

Support us via Patreon and get access to our our Slack Community.  

Panel:

Allison McMillan
Andy Croll
Sarah Olson
Josh Puetz
Mandy Moore
Johnny Ray Austin
Katherine Wu
JC Avena
Chris Sexton